contemplation

I wait by the corner of thought. Contemplation is seconds away. Sometimes I allow my thoughts to run free. Dangerous, I know, but a necessary risk to get to know me. Not sure if I’d ever advise anyone else to do so. Get to know me, that is.

I feather my thoughts into the skies, hoping they will come back with snippets of wisdom, truths or anything interesting.

Somewhere in this head of mine I know there is hidden a treasure of stories, poems and such, or maybe just a jumble of words gasping to make sense. Clamoring to be pluck from my mind and placed together in a meaningful way. Someday this might happen.

Soon.

Maybe never.

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when words fail me

I sit here and nothing has changed, yet everything seems different.
The way the sun shines through the clouds and touches the spring flowers.
The way the rain falls and falls and falls, like it has no where else to go but down.
Maybe it doesn’t.
I watch my world turn upside down and inside out.
I live with cliche’s and forced rhymes hoping that one day something might change.
Like they said it would.
I know a future lies somewhere, ahead of me.
Lurking
Maybe
Or waiting with open arms for me to run towards it,
but I’m out of shape
and this cookie cutter society has been trying to define and redefine me
so many times
that I’m bound to break, but
I don’t need to be like everyone else.
I don’t need to fit in your mold
I embrace life
and live it the way I see it
and
even when words fail me
I continue to write

Black holes and newspapers

I made you
from throw away newspapers,
yesterdays gossip,
a paper mache mish mash
of discarded hopes and dreams
.

And I’m wondering why I spent so much time on what I know can never be. I read and reread you thousands of times, yet your pages never changed. How could they, you were already in print. If you changed, maybe I would never even wanted to read you?

I made you
from sideways glances,
stolen memories
unkowingly shared between
two strangers, passing by

How could I not see that two strangers who never met, would stay strangers for all eternity. No matter how much I dreamed of you, you would be always that stranger to me.

I made you
from foreign objects
harvested from space
a newly born star shining
brightly in the vast dark sky

But even though light travels as fast as it does, you’d still be a million or more lightyears away. And what if I found you, but your star have collapsed. A gaping black hole that can only take and never give back?

So I’ve accepted you will decide for yourself, who it is that you were meant to be. And one day when I finally get to the place where we’d meet, I’ll be delighted to get to know the person who I never knew you could be.

Inner turmoil ( self defiance )

Slowly I bring the cup to my lips while you pace the room.

I let the aroma fill my nostrils
tendrils of steam
curl upwards
as I prepare to savour
the promised rich

flavour.

I’m not sure if I’m prepared for this, but you’re here, I’m here and the shadows in the corner of the room have already deepened.
It seems like that part of the room have been voided and I imagine being suck into its lurking darkness.

I take a slow sip of the hot brew.
They say some like it black and bitter,
it seems I don’t.

Still you keep pacing. I know its not because of impatience. You just don’t like to be still, so you take your feet places, even
if it is in circles that you’re going. I always thought you were a wanderer. It would’ve been great to go on a trip with you. We would
walk where we want to go and sleep underneath the starlit sky.

You always believed those were cities
and you once convinced me
that someone out there is watching us
staring at their night sky
knowing
that we were looking back

Will you stop pacing? You keep distracting me with your endless walking. All I needed was company, I never meant to lock you in with me forever.

I spit bitter regrets at you like they were my only bullets,
how was I supposed to know that you were not just a figment of my imagination?
how was I supposed to know that you were a part of who I am

But even when I try to push you away, you just shrug into my soul.

So I try to take another sip
of the steamy hot brew
just to show you

I let the black bitter burn my tongue, stubbornly I swallow and let the drink sear my insides all the way to my stomach. Disgusted I throw the cup
into the corner and watch the darkness spread around the shards.

“We don’t even like coffee”, you say.

Inner turmoil (Part 4)

Sometimes midnight would find me sitting upright in my bed, restless. My head spinning, always spinning with questions. Questions that seem so very important that they rob me of sleep. We wrestle, me and my intellect. I’ve learned that some things just can not be reasoned out, though that never stops me from trying. I wrestle all night, tossing and turning between my sheets. I get up and pace my room, before, finally, I sink to the floor, my back against the wall. The wall behind wich all the answers lie, or at least the significant ones. I sit, frustrated, knowing that the answers are so close, within my grasp.

Merely a lightbulb moment away.

Finally sleep would tuck me in, covering me with dreams. I forget what bothered me so, at least for the rest of my repose. I slumber while dawn brings me a fresh start, a beautiful sunrise. If only I didn’t fret the previous night. I could have woken up early and wait to receive dawns gift. The sun would rise. Its big, yellow, light shining. It would illuminate and show me the lay of the land. Like a lightbulb. If only these questions did not worry me so, I could have my moment.

Inner turmoil (Part 3)

I got swallowed by emptiness.

“Did you know it has teeth?”

There was nothing to cling onto, but I’m sure I saw razor sharp white teeth as I disappeared down its throat and something scratched me…from the inside. And as my scratches bleed, I run from them with increasing speed. There’s no way to get away from anything when nothing holds you captive.

I searched for days, months, years, but could find no way to leave and no way to stay.

So I swallowed emptiness.

Inner turmoil (Part 2)

I watch it as it freefalls all the way into the river, joining its brethren as they haste downstream.

Glittering in the sun.

My eyes hurt, but I have more to give and as they follow their brother on the path of gravity my heart constricts. I can barely breathe. I carry this weight within me and it feels like my lungs are wrapped in water. Is that why I leak? I shiver and get up from the stream. I think its time to leave before this fresh water turns to salty sea.

The seed

I clench my fingers together, curling my hand into a ball. Unclenching my fingers again I look down at my hand. A tiny seed lies in the middle of my palm, slightly rolling as I tilt my hand. It is the most magnificent thing I have ever seen, a seed so beautiful that its hard to describe. Despite its size its surface reflects every color you would ever encounter, off it. Its translucent beauty draws one closer to it, draws me closer. I want to keep it for myself. It would look beautiful preserved in a see-through locket. Everyone would be able to see the beauty I posess. I would share its beauty by displaying it in splendour. If I carry it around my neck, everyone who wanted could catch a glimpse as I haste by.

“You’ve got to let it go” His words brought me back from my thoughts.
Puzzled I reply: “But I just got it. Why should I let it go?”
“Search inside your heart, when you find the truth, you will understand.”

His eyes was sad when he said that, somehow I got the feeling that he knew what I was thinking and I felt ashamed at my selfishness. I realized that I had a difficult choice to make. I wondered what I should do. “What is the purpose of a seed?” The question popped into my head. Suddenly I knew what I had to do. I knew what he meant when he said I had to let go.

In soft fertile ground,
A seed of hope is planted –
Multiplying soon

Inner turmoil

Slowly I crush it in my hand, blood red petals staining my grip on reality. I sigh. ‘So now he’s come back into my life’, I think, afraid to say the words out loud. I would never admit how scared that thought makes me, neither will I admit the joy that I feel. There’s too much at stake here, I doubt he even realises there’s this battle inside me. I love him, but I think I hate him even more for making me feel this way. As my heart beats its quick traiterous pace, I slowly breath in and out trying to calm myself.

“So how are you doing?”, he says smiling at me. Fury builds up inside me, ‘How dare he ask me that?’. He who left without a word. I’m doing fine, no thanks to him. It took me a while to work through it all, it took me forever to forget him – to move out of the habit of thinking of him. I raise my head and stare into his eyes smiling back at him. My heart warms up when I see the genuine concern in his eyes. “I’m doing great,” I say as the laugh reaches my eyes.

I should not have gone alone

I’m not all here today, it seems.  Rooted in the soil of reality and work.  So where did I go you may ask? Well I’m not sure yet, all I know is that I’m not even there as well.  Floating in a bubble of fantasy and fun.  Maybe you would find me somewhere in between?  Maybe I would find me there?  I have lost track of me somewhere in between reality and fantasy.  And I have no idea what I went to seek.

I longed for adventure and excitement,
so I took a journey to the unknown,
but maybe I should have realized
that it might be foolish to go alone.

It seems I might have lost myself where no one ever dares to go.
And now I may be stuck there and no one even knows.

No one even knows